Let’s face it – life is scary. You have to wake up every morning and actually do stuff. There’s a lot of pressure there. You have to go out and slave away at your job everyday for money as the ticking of the clock beckons you gradually closer to the grave. It’s really kind of a bummer.
That’s why I say, don’t even worry about working that hard. The fact is, it’s not going to matter in the end. The best course of action is to just stay in whatever mind-numbing career you find yourself in now. Anything else would be too risky.
To help everyone realize how stupid it really would be to ever take a chance on anything, I’ve compiled this list of five really good reasons you should never quit you day job (or do anything else worthwhile).
- Job Security – Being left without any real source of income, particularly when you have a family to provide for, is a really frightening prospect. Why would you want to fight and work hard for self-sufficiency and multiple streams of income when you can just settle into your nice secure career. As we all know, once you’re working for a company you’re stuck there – there’s no way anything could ever happen that would result in you losing your job for reasons beyond your control. With the economy so stable right now, there’s no reason to ever fear losing your job. It’s the perfect opportunity to put all the eggs you have into one safe, secure basket. Why be risky and chase your dreams, when you can take the safe route and crush them like everyone else.
- Fulfillment – Fulfillment. It’s really, really overrated. You don’t need to feel fulfilled. You just need to think you feel fulfilled. Now, I hate to say it but your average 9 to 5 isn’t going to help you out any here. It’s soul-crushing nature is the whole reason you think you crave fulfillment anyway. No, the way to really fake fulfillment and be able to keep your job and pretend you’re really happy with life lies in one secret technique – video games. Pursuing genuine fulfillment is for suckers. Learning an instrument, traveling, bettering yourself? Come on. That takes work. Why would you want to do that when you can get a cheap proxy for that very same feeling by teaching your Sims to play piano, or raiding that new instance in WoW. If you need a little more, you can get fulfillment beamed right into your head by staring blankly at the television. This way, you can feel really proud about your accomplishments without ever having to actually accomplish anything at all!
- Fitness – It’s for suckers! With the state of modern medicine, it will be no problem for them to keep you going in thirty or forty years when your heart finally gives out. They may even have the ability to replace it with machine parts by that point. Cyborgs! Yay! On top of that, what kind of moron really chooses to delay gratification? Sure, they’re pretty much guaranteed more satisfaction by eschewing the instant pleasures for the later ones, but what’s a guarantee anyway? Who wants to suffer now just to maybe live a decade or two longer? It may take a few years off your life, but having the pleasure of eating Big Macs everynight for a week straight is a small price to pay.
- Consumerism – We all know that the real key to living a good life, aside from gorging yourself with fast food while playing videogames in your underpants all day, is to have lots and lots and lots of stuff. You need to have more stuff than your friends, you need to have more stuff than your family, you need to have more stuff than everybody. You need to have better stuff too. All that minimalism garbage everybody keeps talking about is just because they know they’re too poor to get as much stuff as you. Look at how happy all those people on Hoarders are. One or two may get buried in stuff-volanche from time to time, but that’s the price you pay for success. If you’re not buying shiny new stuff to push yourself into more debt everyday, well then you’re just a failure.
- Freedom – People talk a lot about being free. The problem is, they don’t really know what being free means. They think it means being able to go where you want, and do what you want, whenever you feel like it. That’s not freedom! Real freedom comes when you have a whole bunch of stuff tying you to one place. Real freedom is having the choice whether to take your two weeks of vacation together, or separate. Real freedom is being able to choose whether to pay your mortgage on the due date, or before the due date. When you’re chained to a single job and anchored by the massive debt of a house that was way beyond what you can really afford buyoed by a nice cushion of credit cards, then you know what freedom is.
So there you have it. Don’t chase your dreams, fill your life with faux-fulfillment from frequent TV watching and constant hours playing video games, leave fitness to the gym rats and bury yourself in a nice, safe burrow of debt lined with as many useless possessions as are necessary to make you feel more important than everyone else you know. That’s the real path to happiness.